It all started on a Tuesday morning at 7am a few weeks ago when I went into the bathroom and discovered there was no toilet paper. I sleepily shuffled over to the other bathroom where my Italian husband was shaving and knocked on the door and said:
“Hey, can you hand me out some toilet paper, there isn’t any in the other bathroom.”
Pause for a sleepy second and then explosion”
“WHAT, there is no toilet paper!!!???!! I bought 4 rolls last Saturday and you 3 (my 2 daughters and I) have used four rolls in 4 days. This has go to STOP! We are not buying any more toilet paper until next Saturday!!!”
“What the hell are you talking about!” I yelled back, suddenly wide awake (we are in Italy –I’ve learned to be vociferous when I argue even at 7am). “WE CAN’T SURVIVE WITHOUT TOILET PAPER!!”
“USE THE BIDET!!!!” came the response from the other side of the bathroom door.
Well, as much as I appreciate the qualities of the omnipresent bidets in Italy (see blog post: The Fabulous Bidet), it is not a replacement for toilet paper. By that time I was getting really worked up, so I shouted:
“I don’t get it, you buy plastic little clean-up-the-poop bags for the dog, and you don’t want us to have toilet paper!!!???!!!”
Silence for a moment from the other side of the bathroom door, then:
“Yes!! That’s right – and don’t you dare write a blog post on this!!”
“Great Idea!!” I grumbled and shuffled off to the kitchen to look for dinner napkins.
Let me just add here that despite what you have just read, my husband and I are not completely ignorant, boorish individuals. We are relatively well educated and well informed and know that there are terrible events happening in the world–wars in Syria and Ukraine, a massacre at a church in the US, migrants fleeing Libya—clearly issues that we should be more concerned about, but somehow we could not resist the temptation to launch our own personal TP war. What is it about marriage??
(If you are a regular follower of this blog, you will know that marital bickering is not new. See blog post: Romantic Ravello and Lacing Wars)
Well that Tuesday happened to be an insanely busy day and I didn’t get around to buying toilet paper (made do with Kleenexes and dinner napkins) and I ended up finding myself at a pizzeria for dinner with a group of Mamma friends who were all telling stories about things that husbands do that drive us crazy. So I spilled my toilet paper war beans. My friends were shocked. They immediately began plotting their revenge—they said they would roll me up in toilet paper like an Egyptian TP Mamma-Mummy and deliver me to the door of our home, ring the doorbell and escape. Another suggestion was that they all hide in the courtyard area outside my building with rolls of toilet paper and when my husband left to go to work the next morning they would bombard him with rolls of TP. Gotta love the Mamma-Mafia at work, they made me laugh and the TP war seemed a little less dramatic.
But as things were, I didn’t manage to buy any TP on Wednesday or Thursday and of course my daughters took their aggravation out on me. Then on Friday at work I got a call from my husband sounding very sheepish. He said:
“Guess what, I just found the four rolls of toilet paper on the floor in the back of my car, they must have slipped out of the shopping bag when I was coming home from the supermarket last Saturday.”
AAARRGGHHH!! I can’t believe it, all that TP abstinence for nothing.
Saturday morning I headed to the supermarket to end the battle once and for all.
Forty rolls should last us for a while.
And yes, since he gave me the idea, I cannot resist the temptation to write a blog post—my final salvo in the TP war.
Moral of this story: Don’t mess with TT and her TP
Trisha is a TV journalist working for AP TV News in Rome. She is married to an Italian and is a Mamma of three.